Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included -
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
CHEERING
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Eh!
Make poverty history. Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
CHUCKLES
Scatter! Party!
(Liam) 'Money was invented by the Algerian Empire, back in 1200BC.
'Heavy coins, known as shekels.
'Paper money wasn't invented until 1000AD
'when the Romans got sick of coins weighing down their togas.
'The first recorded use of money
'was when 12 shekels were paid to Algar Hammurabi
'in return for the use of his daughter.
'I'm not making this up. It's on the internet.
'Some people say having no money isn't that bad.
'Teaches you to be, y'know, a proper person and all that.
'People who say that usually live in nice houses,
'with two cars, and can afford to talk out their arses.'
Er, forget it. You start sticking your giro in here, then we'll talk.
'Let's face it. Being poor is shit.
'Sorry for swearing. But it's true.
'It's shit.'
- Um... - I paid for the milk.
Party's a goer. lan, you all right to close tonight?
Dunno. Switching off lights, locking doors - it's a big responsibility(!)
Here, keep 'em. You fancy it, you can move into the spare room.
We should discuss this first, eh?
Fine. Take the room.
If you manage to get a girlfriend, you might be glad of it.
You've only got enough for a half.
(On TV) 'Somewhere on the Chatsworth Estate,'
'a mystery man or woman is walking around,
'in possession of a lottery ticket worth half a million pounds.
'According to lottery officials, that ticket remains unclaimed.'
Lottery! Idiot tax, isn't it?
Sign of a poor economy.
'That ticket still remains unclaimed.'
More chance of being struck twice by lightning. Chalky, am I right?
'The ticket may have been bought in this very shop,
'You were working on the day the ticket was sold, is that right?
'Yes. That's right. Saturday's a very big lottery day for us.
'It's Friday. The ticket was bought last thing on that Friday night.
'Must be exciting nevertheless,
'to think that the winner could be someone you know?
'Yes, well, my shop is very popular.
'Friday? Friday?
'Friday, yeah.
'It were my birthday on Friday.
'Oh, no! '
Just 80 quid...
- Hurry up. - You're not having a new bloody phone.
- (Boy) You said you'd give us a lift. - Just a sec.
- Customer awaiting service. - I need a lift!
- A phone! - Will you all just shut up!
It was him.
Fucking Frank Gallagher.
'lf you could just watch it, we are actually live,
- 'so just watch your language. - 'Frank fucking Gallagher!
(Man) 'Frank Gallagher - a very lucky man. Stay with us. I'll be giving you... '
Lucky bastard.
'... hopefully, an answer to the question we're all asking - where are you, Frank? '
What?
Well, done, Frank, you lucky bastard.
CHEERING
It was just a piss. But thank you.
Dad. That guy on the telly, he's saying you've won the lottery.
(Karen) Half a million.
CHEERING
Get this man a drink!
A drink?
Yeah! To celebrate your success.
- I'll get him a drink. - I'll get him one.
(Chalky) Come on, get this man a pint.
(Man) I'll get him one an' all.
Well, you know, the truth is, you know...
The truth is, see, I didn't want to boast or nothing.
It's just... Any chance of a chaser in this?
(Man) Get him a double.
I've been brought up properly. It's vulgar to mention money, innit?
Still, you know what they say...
you gotta be in it to win it!
Way back in Ancient Greece, like,
it was the gods themselves who used to reward the heroes...
(Karen) Do you believe this?
I have no idea.
Keep his tab open. We're quids in here.
Right. Be back late. Maybe morning.
Maybe not till afternoon. Big Jim's parties are legendary.
Don't suppose you could lend us half a million quid or so?
Don't tell me people are actually buying this.
Must be round most of the estate. Busiest night we've had in ages.
Poor bastards down in Guantanamo Bay...
LAUGHTER
Until I see the cheque...
Like Romulus and Remus...
Does Mum know yet?
SCREAMS
Yeah. She knows. Tried telling her it was all nonsense, but, y'know.
Should have a word with him before he does something really stupid.
Christ, the croupier!
I'm not saying it was the Almighty,
but there's a certain order to the cosmos.
Hello, baby.
- Can I see it? - See what?
- The winning ticket. - Yes, show us the ticket!
The winning... See it? Right.
So?
It's in me other jeans.
Other jeans?
Oh, Christ, you know, learn to walk at three,
and then they learn to start fucking nagging by the age of four.
LAUGHTER
I'm not nagging.
At home, with the housekeeping, she's got this little tin.
It's all, "got a tin, got a tin, got a fucking tin..."
Someone has to keep charge of the money.
- (Mocking) "Someone's got to take charge... - Dad...
"Dad!" Yap, yap, like a Chihuahua.
Go on! Go back and cut up yer discount coupons!
If she won the lottery it'd sit in that bloody tin.
Handing in my notice.
You can't quit. We've got lottery fever going on here.
All arses on deck.
I'm heir to a fortune. Don't need this job.
I'll give you a pay rise.
Three quid an hour.
You're on.
I'm on three quid an hour already.
RAUCOUS SINGING
...First thing that comes into your head when you see it
And it looks like it...
I've got a better idea. Come on.
GRUNTING
DOOR SLAMS
- What was that? - Shit!
Shit! Shit!
It's not your fault, babe.
I mean, who has a fucking karaoke machine in their flat, eh?
Don't. I can still hear him singing.
Ah, home sweet home.
Come on.
I'm sorry about that.
Maybe we can finish off, you know, tomorrow night?
Maybe. If you get yer own bed.
Shit!
< Yee-hah!
CHEERING
We won't need those any more, will we?
We are in the money, as they say.
Yee-hah! Money!
Debbie, love. I don't know why you're wasting your time.
- Your secret's safe with me. - Fine.
Should be more careful in future.
Sure.
How long have you known for? I can't believe it.
And I never guessed, and usually, I have a radar for these things.
Karen.
Hey, you don't need to be ashamed.
I'm not ashamed. I just need to take a piss, all right?
(Monica) That's the instructions...
We're millionaires! We're millionaires!
Dad. That bloke on the telly, he's saying you've won the lottery.
Another pint, Frank? Get him another one. Come on, Frank.
Now then, I happen to know that you've been wanting one of these.
(Carl) Cool.
(Monica) And for little Liam...
Don't worry. I haven't forgotten you.
Our Princess.
Make-up.
That's the same brand that I use.
You'll be fighting them off with a stick soon.
And for lickle babba...
You got quite a haul there, Mon...
Yeah, well, Norma was kind enough to let us use her credit card.
You'll be paying it back though, Frank.
- Soon as the, er, cheque arrives. - When is that, exactly?
Well, the thing is...
there is no money.
Well, the thing is...
It's all that, you know, red tape, and that, you know.
Lottery says it'll be here...
end of the week.
Better be.
And for my rich, successful husband...
It's about time you embraced the 21st century.
Now we'll always be able to stay in touch.
Fantastic.
(Liam) Gimme the money or the kid gets it!
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Hiya, love!
I'm just about done.
Don't s'pose there's any chance of a cup of tea?
Just got one more thing to check.
Why don't you have a coffee from our brand-new cappuccino machine!
It does mocha, latte, and frappuccino.
Er, just tea, thanks.
MOUTHS
Council re-evaluating the house. We can afford something new now.
Maybe a semi-detached with a garage.
This place can go to someone less fortunate.
We're so lucky.
VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS
(Mickey) No family to hassle you.
Dead lucky getting to stay here.
Able to have over who you want.
Even stay the night.
I had to sleep on the floor last night. Dead lucky!
How am I supposed to have a sex life without a bed?
Well, I can get you a bed.
- What's the catch? - No catch.
Really.
I can't believe you fucked some guy in our bed.
- Keep it down. - You're fucking disgusting.
And you're an homophobe!
Animal, vegetable, mineral, I couldn't give a monkey's twat
what you're into, but not in our fucking bed!
You're right. I'll make it up to you, but I need to know
you're not going to spread this around. Promise me, Karen. Please.
Hey, what's up?
Gayboy here fucked some guy in our bed.
- Fuck's sake! - You're gay? Really?
Hello? Not the point. In our bed.
Thought you weren't gonna tell anyone.
He's me husband. I have to tell him.
I don't really care either way.
That's not what I'm worried about. Jesus!
You're the guy who used our fucking bed.
You don't get to act all pissed off here.
I tell him everything, we're totally honest with each other. So deal with it.
You tell him everything?
- Really? - Yeah.
How you used to suck off the delivery guy for a discount?
That old guy you gave a hand-job to for a bet?
What about you shagging my dad?
Shit, I didn't mean to...
It's all right. I'm cool.
The longer it goes on, the worse it's gonna get.
Not just for you. For all of us.
You didn't win the lottery.
It's all about perception, Deb, innit?
If everyone says the sky is green, then the sky is green.
No, the sky would be blue. Everyone would just be wrong.
You have to tell them.
Debbie...
Oh, come on, having money changes things. People look up to me now.
Well done! You've worked out that people pay attention
when they think you've got cash.
What about the one when you realise every action has a consequence?
Fuckin' hell, it's like being interrogated by the inventor of Scrabble.
KNOCKING
- Yes?! - It's my kitten, mister.
Vet says he needs a new heart. Will you help him, please?
Do I look like I've got charity
- stamped across my fucking forehead? - No.
My hubby's lost both his legs in an industrial accident.
Oh! Bloody hell!
The Government's stopped his disability benefit, the bastards.
- You're his only hope! - Oh!
Tell 'em.
I'm not fucking Bono, you know.
Frank! >
CROWD CALLS OUT
Come on, come on.
(Mickey) Not bad, eh?
(lan) Yeah. It's all right.
- What's up with you? It's a free bed. - Nothing, I'm just worried about stuff.
Never mind.
It's springy.
- Eh? - The bed.
I had a bounce on it.
Very springy.
Better get a move on.
- Who did you say this belonged to? - Told you. Mate of mine.
- He's moving to Costa Rica. Don't need it. - Costa Rica?
You...!
You can't even make up a convincing sounding story, can you? Admit it.
- You nicked it. - I did not.
You're the worst liar I've ever met! We've gotta dump this.
- I'm not risking carting around some knock-off. - Fuck you!
I bought it, OK!
I fucking paid for it, 50 quid from a mate.
I bought you the fucking bed.
- OK. Calm down. - You dick!
I didn't mean to... Why would you buy me a bed?
SIREN WHOOPS
Shite sticks!
I thought you said this bed wasn't stolen.
It's not.
That's me dad's van!
But I couldn't stick a bed in a limo, could I!
Frankie!
Listen, Frank, we stuck these on your tab. It's all right, innit?
Yeah. Yeah, course.
Share the wealth and all that.
What's with the dirty eyeball?
Nothin'.
I believe there was talk of a pint?
MOBILE RINGS
Hello.
(Man) 'Is that Frank Gallagher?
'Lucky Lotto winner Frank Gallagher? '
Yes. It is he.
'Do you love your children, Frank? '
Is it a trick question?
'We have your son.'
What's that?
'Your son. Liam.
'Half a million quid, if you wanna see him again.
'We'll be in touch.'
Do you love children, Mr Gallagher?
What did you say? What the fuck did you say?!
No, s'just... starving children... Africa... could use your help.
Just, fuck... Just...
Leave me alone!
Liam!
Does the Jacuzzi come with silver chrome as well?
Mon, you seen lickle Liam anywhere?
He's probably in his room or something.
Right. And does that one come with the deluxe bubbles package?
Cleaning windows.
Er, obviously!
Yeah, looks nice.
Great conservatory, that...
All right, OK. What's with the friendly fucking neighbour act?
It's my little 'un, Liam.
He's been kidnapped. Thought you'd know something about it.
You've got a fucking nerve, Gallagher. I would never touch kids.
No, no, Jesus! I meant, I thought you'd know what to do.
Well, why didn't you say so, then?
Don't fucking hit me again.
Have they contacted you? Made demands?
The whole half million.
Are you winding me up?
No! ...Please!
I'll talk to some folk. Ask around.
See if anyone's heard anything. You told the wife, told the police?
No.
Don't. She'll only panic and they'll only cock it up.
And from my experience, neither of those has a happy ending.
Anybody asks,
he's staying with a school friend, all right?
All right.
Terrible fuckin' world we live in, Gallagher.
I'll keep you posted.
MOANING
MOANS
- Fuck! - What? What is it?
You actually... fucked Frank Gallagher?
Oh. I thought you said you were cool with everything.
Yeah. OK, I did.
Jesus, Karen.
What happened to some quality control, hey?
I know! I know.
It's not the best idea I ever had.
But then I met you.
Everything changed...
...became better...
became new.
Oh, don't do this.
Don't make me feel like that.
I'm sorry.
- No. - Didn't say anything.
You didn't need to.
- We're not having sex. - But we're gay.
It's not a club. There aren't rules.
I got you a bed.
You also got me arrested.
Go to sleep!
(Patrick) 'Sorry about the cloak and dagger act.'
Didn't want to alarm the family.
You managed to find anything out?
I tried, Francis.
Believe me, I tried.
Where is he?
I don't know anything, Paddy!
Just tell me what you know.
I don't know anything.
I tried. Nothing.
Not a word.
Unfortunately, I think your best option is to grit your teeth
and pay the bastards.
What if?
What if I don't pay them?
This is your son we're talking about.
You've got half a million quid.
You disgust me.
QUIET VOICES
Do you want a smoothie?
Debbie!
Your mam's lost her keys. D'you know where the spare set is?
Cheers.
Wait. You can't leave.
What?
You might tell someone what you've seen, and that'd ruin everything.
What you talking about?
Debbie... what have you done?
Why do you have to spoil everything?
I'm not! He hasn't won the lottery!
It's half a million quid, Debbie.
It doesn't matter how much it was.
It doesn't exist. He's just hurting us all by pretending it does.
You mean you're pissed off and want to teach him a lesson.
Mum maxed out Norma's credit card.
We could lose the house. Yeah. I am pissed off.
You think you know better than everyone else!
Cos I do. And I'll prove it to you.
Chesney? I need you to do it one more time.
Fuck's sake.
We're moving on to Phase Three.
Cool.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?
We want the money, Frank.
Yeah, the money, of course, no problem.
Tell the truth or we'll hurt your kid.
I am. Just... Fucking just don't touch him.
I don't believe you, Frank. Say goodbye to his little finger.
Ahh, ahh, ahh!
LIAM MOANS
Oh, fuck, don't!
'Don't hurt him... don't hurt... '
There was no money!
'There never was. I lied, all right!
'I just... '
Please!
Hello?
Hey.
I stayed at Mum and Dad's. Sofa job.
Don't remember asking.
Look, I don't want to ruin everything.
You going to be normal, then?
Well, I'm gonna try. Just let my head get bent out of shape.
While you were away being all mean 'n' moody,
toilets in the ladies went a bit Exorcist.
But don't worry, got a plumber coming,
nothing to worry about, feel free to carry on with your James Dean act.
James Dean?
Wasn't meant as a compliment.
Yeah, well, I'm taking it as one.
You're a twat, Jamie Maguire.
Better put Dad out his misery. Just hope he's learnt his lesson.
Uh-oh. That is not good.
Just act natural. You know nothing.
Don't go!
Might be for something else.
It's not the first time we've had police here.
Please let it be domestic violence.
We're going to do everything we can to get him back. I promise you.
DOOR CLOSES
Sorry, Debbie, you can't be in here.
I thank you so much for coming in at such short notice.
- No worries, love. - I've turned the water off like you told me to.
God, I've missed that arse.
What you doing?
Sorting through your coupons.
Kind of therapeutic.
You don't need to do that.
Well, if it wasn't for you, we'd have no food in the fridge,
would we? Like a little Mussolini, making all the trains run on time.
Thanks.
- It'll be all right. - Fucking, no, it...
It won't, Debs. Not this time.
It's all my fault.
"Whomever God wishes to destroy, he first makes proud."
I drew them all in with me fool's gold and then...
you know, they took away...
...one of me real treasures.
Liam's next door.
What?
He's fine. Five fingers, each hand. Ten fingers in all.
Unless you're one of them people who don't count thumbs.
What are you talking about?
It was me. I kidnapped him.
You'd kidnap your own brother?
Only cos I wanted you to tell the truth.
Have you any idea what you've put me through?!
Your fucking mother through?
No, Debbie. No, no. You've gone too far this time.
I was only trying to help.
You're just interfering, telling me what to do, as per fucking usual.
So what you gonna do?
What?
About it all, all these people, the police.
That's not my fucking fault.
Oh, no, no. It never is your fault, is it? You just stumble from moment
to moment, leaving the rest of us to pick up your shit!
Well, not any more. You're on your own!
GROANS
Dad'll be able to sort this, get us out of here.
Probably knock my teeth out at the same time, but...
That doesn't help me, does it?
I had a really cute guy lined up last night.
- You've met someone else? - Yeah.
You're in love with him.
What? No!
So...
Any chance of a blow job?
- Mickey! - Oh, just for fun.
There's nothing else to do.
Be good practice for you too.
Please.
- Don't say please. - Why? What's wrong with me?
Nothing's wrong with you.
Well, maybe you act a bit desperate.
And you're a little needy.
And you need to, y'know, just go out there. Have a life.
Cos me and you, we're just mates.
Nothing more. Just mates.
Just mates.
OK.
A wank, then?
I'm just gonna ignore you till your dad shows.
DOOR OPENS
Hello.
Look, Debs.
Cards on the old table. You know, nothing up the sleeve and that.
- I need your help. - Course you do.
But you're not getting it.
Yeah. It's like...
...you know, the Wizard of Oz, right?
I'm standing here, like the cowardly lion, tin man, gay scarecrow.
You're that man behind the curtains,
you know, working all the controls.
SIGHS
Basically, I'm fucked, love.
Your head's bleeding.
Was a good shot, weren't it, bull's-eye.
Here...
Thanks.
So you need to find a way to get out
of everyone thinking you've won half a million without them lynching you.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
And get Liam back without the police charging you for wasting time.
Again, nice.
Good luck with it, then.
Giro.
What?
Every fortnight. In the housekeeping tin. Your giro.
You know how many strings I had to pull to get you out of there?
No.
Five!
Get in the car!
What's the big hurry?
Liam's got kidnapped.
What!
- No, no, it's OK. I was behind it all. - Jesus!
Yeah, anyway, Carl still didn't believe me that Dad was full of it,
so Chesney cut off his little finger.
Why the fuck would he cut off Carl's finger?
No, dumbo, he chopped off Liam's finger.
Liam's?
Didn't actually do it.
Dad's called the police, and they're taking it really seriously.
They're gonna stop at nothing to catch the kidnappers.
- Kidnappers being you? - Bingo.
I don't have a clue what's going on.
Well, you better get an idea fast, otherwise we're F-U-C-K'd.
All right, all right. Give me a minute here.
D'you want me to start from the beginning?
No. Please don't.
Two nights.
Two nights I turn my back.
- Yeah, cheers for returning my calls. - I was in jail.
It's not a competition, lan.
So what we gonna do?
First thing you're gonna do is take it easy and stay low.
You're already too close to it.
But yeah, I've got an idea.
Not sure it's the best idea ever, but it's the only one I've got.
All right if I borrow this?
You lot are fucking nuts, you know that?
You know what you're doing, yeah?
Just stick to lan's plan, OK?
And maybe we won't all end up in jail.
Make sure you don't fuck it up,
the police are gonna be listening in this time.
CHESNEY CLEARS THROAT
PHONE RINGS
It's them.
PHONE RINGS
< Go on, answer it.
Hello?
'Frank, listen carefully. This is what we want you to do.'
Do the button up. Say something.
- Something. - Loud and clear.
Right. The moment you get your son, we're in.
We'll take them down, make sure you get your money.
No. I don't care about the money. You don't do anything.
The only thing that matters is that we get Liam back.
You going to let these scumbags walk away with half a million?
You don't have children, do you?
The money doesn't matter!
Er... ladies?
Oh, sorry, love. Official business.
Plumber.
Have to have a word with lan about missing his shifts.
What's with the plumber?
What?
Oh, yeah. He's... He's a mate of mine.
We go way back. He said he'd take a look.
I had somebody taking a look.
Yeah, well, I decided to let him go.
I just wanted to use someone I knew.
I thought you said you were over this,
and unless you've invented a time machine or something,
I can't change things, can I?
You know how many people I've been with?
You can count on them one hand.
Half a hand. Finger and thumb.
So the only way you'll feel equal,
feel comfortable, is if you sleep with the same amount of people?
Well, go on, then.
Go to Lillian's, take the cash card and don't stop until we're quits.
What, you're telling me to go and sleep with a bunch of prozzies?
I am telling you that I love you.
And I will do whatever it takes to make this work.
So whatever it takes for you to feel normal, just fucking do it.
Now's probably a bad time, right?
- Yeah. - Right.
- The moment he gets the boy, we move in. - But Mrs Gallagher said...
I know what she said, but this is our collar.
No-one leaves that warehouse without us locking it down.
Approaching the, uh, perimeter... now.
RADIO CRACKLE
Liam! Liam!
What do you want? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's gone tits up! Go! Go! Go!
You slept with my wife!
- Who the fuck's your wife? - Karen, you ignorant bastard!
Oh, fucking... That's just ancient history, it's old news.
I don't care if it was years ago. You're a dirty fucker.
I might not be able to get every one of them, but I can start with you!
- And what are you gonna do for an encore? - You what?
After you've gone all Captain Caveman on me,
you going to run round the estate, beating all the others up, eh?
Christ, you'll be busy for six months. Brilliant!
Meanwhile, lickle wifey's home alone, wondering why she married such a catch.
Look, you should just finish it, pal, if you hate her that much.
I don't hate her.
I love her.
Oh, well, I've got tears in me eyes.
You feel better after that, then?
No. No, I don't.
I think I've got issues.
Welcome to the party.
Aaaaaah! Gotcha!
No, fucking... Just get off, just let him go, let him go!
What?
He's the big hero round here. He... He saved me life.
It's empty!
The bad guys went thataway.
Come on!
They got away!
Right, Stan, you go that way. Tom, you're with me.
I'm really sorry.
It's just...
all those things I don't know about you...
Nearly drove me crazy.
Here.
That's a list of everybody I've slept with. So you know everything.
I'm not ashamed of me past, and I'm not disgusted by it either.
I am glad it led to you.
That's total honesty.
Come here.
Hey, that plumber you hired tried to hit on me.
Had to kick his arse out the door.
Oh, well, well. Prodigal returns.
- You've missed three shifts. - And almost fucked up our marriage.
I'm sorry. What I said earlier, I overreacted.
All right, mate. We'll be fine.
- Just got to get used to living with a slut. - She has changed a lot.
I meant you, gayboy.
(Frank) Hey, Calvin Klein! There's folk dying of thirst out here.
Oh!
I need to clear my credit card, Frank. Where's the money?
Money? Right.
Dad.
Tell them the truth.
Will you all just shut up?
That'll bring you luck, that, love.
- Really? - Yeah.
I stand before you today not as a man,
but as a father of a very special girl, who...
The point is that...
...I didn't win the lottery.
GASPS OF DISAPPOINTMENT
(Man) Typical fucking Gallagher, in't it?
There's no cash.
Not that truth, the other truth!
The kidnapping one! Half a million ransom.
Right.
Idiot!
New tin. Got a key and a lock and all. Can't trust anyone round here.
Don't worry, you'll still get your pocket money.
Oh, Debs.
I come from nothing, and I'll end up with nothing.
You know, what's in between doesn't matter. Have a penny, lose a penny.
Hakuna matata. That's me.
Dad...
Spare key, please.
Thank you.
(Liam) 'Debbie says money really can't buy you happiness.
'Doesn't mean I wouldn't like to try it every once in a while.
'It can, however, buy you a cappuccino machine,
'a widescreen telly, a trip to Disneyland,
'those wrestling action figures which are kind of gay, but I want them,
'and a pair of trainers that light up when you walk would be cool.
'Maybe even some roller blades.
'Oh, fireworks, that'd be mint.'
CLOCK TICKS